Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
