Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
MIDGETS
????
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
