I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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