Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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