I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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