He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
