My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
