somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
