he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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