areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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