Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Are my feet made of real feet?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
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