So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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