My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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