ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
