Tell her she can't have a vagina
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
