xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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