i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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