we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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