it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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