If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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