I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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