If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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