I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
