I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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