I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
