My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
