if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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