When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
