I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
