I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
