Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
