so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
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IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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