in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
