did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
