this beer tastes like vomit already
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
