I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
