What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
