Dignity is for republicans.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
