I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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