so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
