GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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