can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
