I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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