it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
