textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
