i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
