she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
