I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
