They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
