so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
