OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please, let me fuck your mom
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
