Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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