last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
