That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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