Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
