mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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