and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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